"Just take a deep breath." "Use your words." "Think positive." Most of the coping advice children hear was written with a different kind of brain in mind. For many autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent children it does not work, and the child ends up feeling that they are bad at coping on top of everything else.
This article explains why ordinary advice often misses, what a good coping toolkit really needs, and how to help your child build one that belongs to them. It is general information, not therapy or medical advice.
A coping skill is anything a child can do to get through a hard feeling or a hard moment in a way that keeps them safe and keeps their dignity. It is not a way of making feelings disappear, and it is not a way of making a child quieter or easier to manage.
That matters, because the aim is not a calm child at any cost. The aim is a child who knows what is happening inside them, has more than one thing they can try, and knows who to go to when those things are not enough.
Whatever the specific tools, the toolkits that work tend to share the same few ingredients.
For younger children and for any child in a heightened state, body-based tools tend to work before thinking-based ones. Movement, pressure, temperature, a change of scene or something to hold can all help the nervous system settle. Once a child is calmer, there is room for talking and for the thinking-based skills such as reframing a worry.
If you remember one thing, make it this: settle first, talk later.
Children who feel in control of their coping tend to use it. That means offering choices rather than instructions, asking "which one would help?" rather than "do this", and letting them change their mind. It also means accepting that a strategy that worked on Tuesday may not work on Friday. That is normal, and it is why having several tools matters more than having a perfect one.
When something goes wrong, it helps to try on more than one lens. None of them is the right one. Each one just points to different things you could try.
Looking through two or three of these before you decide what to do often shows an option you had not seen. If your child is old enough, ask them which lens fits.
You can build all of this yourself, and many families do. But it takes time and energy that many parents do not have, and children often engage more with something that looks like their own special book than with a conversation. That is why we made a small set of printable wellbeing packs for neurodivergent children aged 5 to 10. Each one is untimed, gentle and strengths-first, and each ends with a certificate to print and keep.
You can see them all together, and the five-pack bundle, on the mental wellbeing packs page. They are practical wellbeing tools for home and school, not therapy or medical treatment.
For more on how ADHD and autism affect wellbeing, see supporting the mental wellbeing of ADHD and autistic children.
Coping skills help with everyday ups and downs. They are not a substitute for support when a child is struggling for a long time. Speak to your GP or your child's school SENCO if your child seems very low, anxious or withdrawn for a long time, if distress is affecting daily life or if you are worried about how they are coping. Your GP can talk to you about what support is available, including child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS) where appropriate.
If your child ever talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be here, take it seriously and get help straight away. In an emergency call 999. Children can call Childline for free on 0800 1111, and the YoungMinds Parents Helpline is available on 0808 802 5544.
You can find more helplines and support organisations, including what to do while you wait for CAMHS, on our Where to get help page.
