Many autistic and ADHD children are bright, funny, kind and full of ideas. Many are also quietly convinced that something is wrong with them. They say things like "I'm stupid", "I can't do anything right" or "nobody likes me", and parents are left wondering where it came from.
This article looks at why self-esteem so often takes a knock for neurodivergent children, and at what a strengths-first approach looks like in everyday life. It is general information, not therapy or medical advice.
It is tempting to treat a strengths-based approach as the nice thing you say after the hard thing. In fact, noticing and naming what a child is good at is one of the most protective things an adult can do. Children who know what they are good at, and who feel that adults like who they are, cope better when things go wrong.
Neurodivergent strengths are often easy to miss because they do not always look like the strengths schools measure. Noticing detail, loyalty, honesty, creativity, deep knowledge, humour, a strong sense of fairness, a way with animals or a flair for patterns all count.
A deep interest is not a distraction from what really matters. It is often where a child feels most capable and most themselves. Interests build knowledge, vocabulary, focus and friendship. Showing genuine curiosity about your child's interest, even if it is not yours, tells them that who they are is welcome.
Small changes in language add up.
Children also listen to how adults talk about themselves and about other people's differences. Your own ease with difference is part of the message.
Praise that is specific, true and about effort or character tends to land much better than general praise. It also helps to notice things that are not about achievement at all, such as kindness, humour or the way a child looked after a friend. Be wary of praise that only comes when a child is calm, quiet or compliant, because it can teach them to hide.
One of the quietest ways to build self-esteem is to ask a child what they think they are good at, and to listen. Some children find this surprisingly hard to answer at first. It is worth coming back to it gently over time, and it can help to have someone else, such as a friend or relative, add what they like about the child.
Our My Brilliant Brain pack is a printable, strengths-first workbook for children aged 5 to 10. It helps a child explore what they love, what they are good at and how their own brain likes to work, in a kind, neurodiversity-affirming way. It includes cut-out cards and a letter the child can share with the grown-ups in their life, and it ends with a certificate to print and keep. It is a practical wellbeing tool for home and school, not therapy.
You can see it with the other wellbeing packs on the mental wellbeing packs page. For more on the bigger picture, read coping skills for neurodivergent kids and supporting the mental wellbeing of ADHD and autistic children.
It is worth speaking to your GP or your child's school SENCO if your child seems very low or withdrawn for a long time, regularly says very negative things about themselves, or if it is affecting daily life or school attendance. Your GP can talk to you about what support is available.
If your child ever talks about hurting themselves or not wanting to be here, take it seriously and get help straight away. In an emergency call 999. Children can call Childline for free on 0800 1111, and the YoungMinds Parents Helpline is available on 0808 802 5544.
You can find more helplines and support organisations, including what to do while you wait for CAMHS, on our Where to get help page.
